Love yourself enough to walk away from abuse
Abuse is when one person hurts another person, either physically or emotionally. Abuse happens over time, usually in a cycle. It often continues until the person who is being abused gets help.
The very first thing that comes to mind when we think of the word abuse is when your partner inflicts physical pain on your body. This is a very important issue that many African women like you and me face in our everyday lives. For some, it’s more real than for others. I’m here to remind you that abuse from your man in any kind of form is wrong.
Many times as women we tend to endure a lot of pain in life, we are strong and can carry a lot on our shoulders. That’s how God made us but it’s not an excuse to let someone take advantage. Whether you are married or not, letting your man beat you up and you not doing anything about it is not right, and it surely isn’t love .When a man loves you, he won’t place his fingers on your body to inflict pain.
It’s a shame how many women are in an abusive relationship but cannot walk away because they feel like they will not find someone else to love them. Some women cannot walk away because threats upon their lives have been made by their abusive partner. Ladies staying in that relationship any longer is death. There is no greater pain than being afraid of the man you love and feeling like you cannot be yourself in fear of angering him.
Ladies your bodies are special and they deserve to be loved. No matter how much you love that man, if he is abusing you, walk away from that relationship before it is too late.
Abuse is not just physical, it is emotional as well. Some man will not lay their fingers on you but their words hurt that much more. Ladies the moment a man starts to insult you or curse at you that is no longer love that’s abuse no matter how subtle it may seem. When your man does not communicate with you and causes you mental frustration thinking about where he could be, and what he could be doing and with who does that not drive you insane? The unsettlement, the sadness and anger you feel when he’s not around for you when he is supposed to is abuse to your emotions. You deserve a man who is consistent in his behavior. You don’t need to feel confused. The moment you feel confused and are not sure where you stand in his life, that is not love, refuse to be strung along, refuse to be abused.
If you are not sure whether you are in an abusive relationship here are signs below:
- Unrealistic expectations of perfect behavior from your partner,
- Forceful sex,
- Name calling, degrading, humiliation,
- Mood swings based on feelings based upon the relationship,
- Arguing constantly and suddenly,
- Manipulation of your emotions and being made to feel like you are a problem,
- Feeling fear, nervous or unsafe,
- Trying extra hard to make your partner happy,
- Emotionally distant or unavailable most of the time,
- No compassion or empathy,
- Isolation from loved ones,
- Controlling behavior,
In most of our African societies abuse is only regarded if it has physical implications. Ladies, emotional abuse is still abuse and may have lasting effects upon your life if you don’t get help. Try by all means to get out of abusive relationships as soon as you identify them and seek help. These following methods can help someone out there who does not know what to do with their life after that bad relationship.
Cut off the abuser from your life
You should forgive them for your own sake so you can move on. Cutting them off means removing any form of communication there was with that man. You have to try and be strong and walk away from what broke you. He may try to come back but knowing he is bad for you should be motivation enough. You have been through a lot. Leave him and his abuse in the past and move onto a fresh future, embrace new beginnings.
Think positive
Whenever those negative thoughts you have heard or believed about yourself in the past abusive relationship start to surface, try to push your mind to think about things that you like about yourself. It may be a body part you love, your talents, it can be anything as long as it is positive push yourself to think it. Think it, confess it and believe it. Look at yourself in the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful and that you are worth it. Positive confession works. The more you do it the sooner it manifests. Positivity will soon become a habit.
Try a hobby or exercise
Use this healing time to take care of yourself and your body as well as your mind. Try going for walks early in the morning and inhale that fresh air. If you are not an outdoor person try yoga or cardio exercises. Take up tennis, hockey, and knitting or reading, as long as it is something to help heal your mind and body, take it up and keep busy and focused on yourself. Also see how choosing a hobby you do by yourself gives you independence and freedom to take back the power of exercising choice you may have lost. Making up your own mind and doing something for you may be something you had forgotten. This will give you that time to reconnect with yourself.
Get support from friends or family
It is very important at this time in your life to get support from your family and friends. Being around people who love you reminds you how special you are and it helps to keep your mind of thinking. Family and friends are good help especially when you need to talk, you have ready listening ears because sometimes venting helps and this helps to heal your mind. Being in a loving environment brings comfort and just knowing somebody cares is enough. Sometimes it’s not even about having a conversation but just the presence of someone who cares is more than enough. Remember seeking help from family and friends or opening up about it is not a sign of weakness but strength.
Spiritual support
You can never go wrong with seeking help from God. Prayer helps a lot but there are times where you can’t even pray for yourself because you are broken and too weak. For your mind and body to heal, your spirit also needs to heal, so prayer is everything in times of pain.
Be patient with yourself
In spite of doing all the things above, we are human and there will be days you feel weak and cry your eyes out and there will be those you feel like you are over it. That is the healing process, you should take your time because healing doesn’t take place overnight. Be patient and kind with yourself, in time you will be ok, trust the process ladies.
In conclusion, every beautiful woman like you and me deserves a man who is bold enough to love a woman as strong as you are. You are special and your scars are who you are. Take your time to heal and when you are ready a man worthy and ready to love you the right way will find you. Jumping into another relationship before you have dealt with the demons from the former will haunt you and your next relationship. Relax and remember to take your time.
Ladies remember that you are powerful and don’t let another human being make you feel like you are worthless and useless. The problem was never you. It is because he has problems within himself and hence cannot love another human being. It is unfortunate that you ended up with such because of your nature to heal and fix. You could not fix him because he was broken. You could not change him because he didn’t want to. It’s not your fault. A man will change when he wants to for a woman he wants to be with, it has nothing to do with what you do. Pick up your crown queen, dust it off it put it back on your head where it belongs.
By Ellen Ruturi
AfroUs 